Redeeming the time

The rhythm of life that I was so confident in at the beginning of summer has given way to a disappearing summer. It hasn’t been a wasted season. We had a wedding to tend to. Our days and weeks were consumed in plans and shopping and working toward getting things done.

Now that it’s over, it’s time to recalibrate my time. I have desperately missed quiet days when I can read and study. Dwayne and I also need to get back in the habit of spending regular time together—alone. I’ve noticed that it’s easy to forget to spend time together when life is busy. We see each other and say hello, but we don’t stop to check in with each other. I forget to ask him how he’s doing. He forgets to ask me about my day because we run from one commitment to another. This week, I plan to ask Dwayne how he’s doing each day and then stop long enough to listen to what he tells me.

Remember that God gave me Dwayne as a gift. I need to delight in his company and bless him. That’s my master plan for the week--to redeem my time with Dwayne. Anyone willing to join me?

What's Happenin'

This week:

Chiropractor Monday and Friday. Lunch date with a friend from high school. Rest and relaxation and maybe even a little bit of exercise.

Wedding Accomplished

The wedding is finally over. Yesterday was the hottest day we’ve had this summer. Other than that, it was a perfect day. Handsome groom, beautiful bride, parents who love them and pray for their health and happiness. Grandparents were there. The food went well. There was more than enough and it tasted wonderful. There were tears at the church and tears at the reception as we let our children go. Now they’re a new family starting off. It’s scary letting them go. We still want to hold on and help them and teach them. The time for that is past.

So we pray and support and love them. And put them in God’s loving hands.

The 2nd chapter of Genesis says this: Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

Time to let him go.

Hungry for what?

Now that the wedding is two weeks away, I’m coming to terms with my summer. I’m learning to let go and roll with what is happening around me. That doesn’t mean I’m doing it well but I’m trying. I bought a new dress a month ago and am thrilled that it’s perfect for the wedding. Color is right and I love the way it looks. One item checked off. Now I’m organizing the food. I know how to make a lot of food for large groups of people. The only difference now is that I don’t have a commercial kitchen. People are volunteering to make food and help that day so we can attend the reception instead of run the kitchen. Cool!

While things are a little chaotic around me, I’ve been reminded that I need to be hungry and thirsty for time with the Lord. Jesus taught this: Blessed are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness! For they shall be filled. Matthew 5:6 So when I find myself hungry and thirsty, I need to remember that I don’t lack food and water. I’m hungry and thirsty because I’ve gotten wrapped up in my life and haven’t made it a point to touch base with God each day. He promises to fill us if we long for Him. I have started to recognize when it’s a spiritual longing that needs to be met. God has been faithful to remind me and meet with me.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: Ephesians 1:3

Change in Rhythm

I’m sorry I’ve been missing for the last few weeks but as soon as I decided to enjoy a quiet summer, my son announced that he’s getting married. In August. This year. On the 15th. My restful summer is becoming a joyful summer, as well as a quickly paced summer.

Dwayne had weddings each weekend this month. Last weekend, I visited my folks with Aaron and Jess so we could attend the family reunion. We had a wonderful time. Driving home, we drove into rain and saw a whole rainbow. It fell all the way to the ground. We drove for an hour or so enjoying the rainbow (as well as its shining double). We could see each color in the spectrum because of it’s brilliance.

In Genesis 9, God spoke to Noah, saying: And I have established My covenant with you, and all flesh shall not be cut off again by the waters of a flood; nor shall there ever again be a flood to destroy the earth. And God said, This is the sign of the covenant which I am about to make between Me and you, and every living soul which is with you, for everlasting generations: I have set My bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of a covenant between Me and the earth.

It helps me to remember that God loves me and takes care of me when I get overwhelmed with life. Sometimes I feel as though I’m drowning in duty and responsibility. He watches over me and I was glad to be reminded in a tangible way of His everlasting love.

Rhythm of Life

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

As I wait impatiently for my summer to reveal itself, I have accidentally been resting. Dwayne’s new job gets him out of bed very early. It also means going to bed two to three hours earlier than usual. It means that I get to read in the evening, get to sleep at a great hour and wake up refreshed. It’s the first time in a long time that waking up in the morning equals feeling rested. Waiting can also mean resting.

I have few commitments this summer. I’ve started a writing course. I plan to visit my family next weekend for the extended family reunion (which I love to attend). Dwayne is officiating a wedding out of town in late July which means a break from our mundane. This allows me time to read, write, pray, study, relax, watch television and spend time with my kids.

Today I spent the afternoon with Becky. We went to the chiropractor. I shopped for wedding clothes. We hit the grocery store so she could pick up some more items for the wedding she’s catering Saturday. We had dinner together. We stopped here so she could pick up things that I have been holding for her and then I took her home. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was restful. It’s a summer rhythm that I like. Tomorrow, I get a haircut and have one errand to complete and the day is mine to do with as I see fit.

My time doesn’t always need to be tightly wound up into an “acceptable” bundle. I’m waiting on the Lord and He’s renewing my strength in ways I didn’t think possible. Now I want to make this the rhythm of my life.

God is good

Although it was a tough week, I still managed to get a little playtime in. Wednesday, Jessica was here for the afternoon. We had just arrived and started to settle down when she had a seizure. I called the ambulance and we headed to the ER. They decided to admit her so she was there until Friday. Friday night we had dinner with our friends and spent 4 hours laughing as well as eating. Lots of play there. When we woke up Saturday morning, there was a call that Joshua had been hospitalized. He's fine. (Not sure about the staff at his home, but he's good.)

God has been so good through all of this. He has graced each of us with the ability to handle the responsibility that comes our way. Joshua and I were here alone when Jess started to seize. We were scared but still had calm and peace (in the whirlwind) and wisdom to do the necessary. I can tell you that God keeps his word.

Jesus said, "And I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt 28:20

Rest, Relaxation and Play

I know how to rest. That means I stop doing stuff and sit still. Relaxing is harder. I can stop being busy and still not be relaxed. This leads me to the thing I don’t do well—play. I’ve decided to treat this summer as if I were getting out of school (which I am). The only problem is that I don’t know how to play. Even when I was a kid, I didn’t play well. I like to read and watch television. I like to crochet and cross-stitch. I like to bowl. Bowling is as close as it gets to playing and I haven’t bowled in 5 years.

Middle aged women tend to be engulfed by family commitments. There are aging parents. There are children who are at home or starting families of their own. We can get completely and utterly wrapped up in other people’s lives. Play becomes a luxury or foolishness instead of a way to relax and forget our responsibilities for a few moments.

We have friends that we see every month or so. When we call to make a date, the question is always “Can you come out and play?” When we meet, no matter what is going on in our lives we laugh until we cry. We have health issues as well as parent and child issues. It is our play time. Always. Truthfully, it’s one of the only times we allow ourselves that luxury.

To all there is an appointed time, even a time for every purpose under the heavens………a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 4

This summer, I am going to attempt to cultivate the habit of playing, laughing (and maybe even a little dancing). Join me. We might get from rest to relaxation all the way to the top of the ladder—playtime.

Calm Is What?

It’s easy to say I’ll trust God when things are calm. It’s a little harder when things are crazy. We’ve had car trouble (both cars—my car is repaired and Dwayne’s is currently at the garage). We’ve been a one-car family for several days. It can be done but I find myself getting testy. My independence is something that I guard. Losing it, even for a day or two, is something that leaves me uneasy. The flip side of it is that I’ve managed to get some cleaning done. I’ve also had time to rest a little, read a little and study some.

Aaron’s girlfriend has been having seizures over the last few weeks. It is something that can inspire fear. Watching Aaron take care of her has been instructive for me. When she had a seizure here the other night, he caught her, grabbed a pillow and held her while she was seizing. He was perfectly calm. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen—especially in one of my kids. God has given him calm in the storm. It’s a picture of what God has been telling me. “It doesn’t matter what’s going on around you, I have everything under control. You are mine and I can take care of you.” It’s comforting to know that God is bigger than I am. I forget that all the time. Lord, help me to know and remember you.

My Father who has given them to Me is greater than all, and no one is able to pluck out of My Father's hand. John 10:29

Fear Not

Over and over again, God speaks to his people and tells them not to fear. Yet, I often find myself afraid of all kinds of things—situations, people, the future. My natural inclination is to forget that God cares for me. I meditate on what could go wrong instead of God’s great love and care. I’m sure it’s why “Fear not!” appears so often in scripture. Ever since Adam and Eve sinned, we run from God in fear. I think it’s time to run toward God in faith and stop running from Him in fear. I want to learn how to eliminate fear from my life. “Fear not!” is a command. I have decided to trust God to help me eliminate fear from my life.

Time

As if we could kill time without injuring eternity!
Henry David Thoreau

As I age, time becomes dear. We have an empty nest. We are spending a great deal of time dealing with administrative details. Dad has two doctor appointments this week—one on Tuesday morning and one on Thursday afternoon. We have a treatment team meeting with Joshua on Wednesday. We also have to do research so that when a decision is called for, we’re capable of making an intelligent one.

It often feels like I’m spinning my wheels. I feel like I’m wasting time (and sometimes I do). I want to use my time constructively. I need to take care of myself and my husband. I need to foster my relationships with God, my family and others. After that, what should I be doing? I have dreams I’d like to pursue. How do I balance my life? I remember that God knows the end from the beginning and determines the seasons of my life. And trust Him for the grace to accept what He sends.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: Eccl. 3:1

Taking a walk?

All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware. Martin Buber

I know where I want to go. I have a clear picture in my mind of what the rest of my life will be like. At 50, I’m beginning to understand that the destination I have in mind may not be the same as God’s. It’s like a carefully designed road trip. You know what you want to do and where you wish to go. As you travel, things change. You might need to drive off your route to get a bite to eat. Or you may decide that you want to take a side trip somewhere that looks interesting. You might stop early because you need rest or sleep. Each event or decision will affect the journey. Construction could alter your trip and leave you no choice but to head in a different direction. I struggle with trusting God to know what’s best for me. I affirm it in my mind but my heart doesn’t always join in that confidence. When all else fails, I have to trust that God can see the entire path and knows where my feet need to go.

The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Milestones

Today we mark the first anniversary of Dwayne’s mom passing away. As I grow older, I’ve begun to realize that anniversaries—happy and sad events—mark our lives. It gives us an opportunity to look back in gratitude for all that God has done for us and all that He has carried us through. Yesterday was Dwayne’s 48th birthday. Next Tuesday will be my son Aaron’s 27th birthday. My niece and father both celebrate birthdays the following week.

Today we mark sadness in our lives but we also celebrate the joy of family. Instead of allowing the loss to overwhelm us, we are grateful for the 80 years we had with Helen. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer less than 2 months after we were married. She survived and was ours for almost 30 more years. God gave us the gift of wife, mother and grandmother for longer than we ever imagined. We trust that God in his infinite wisdom knew when to take her because ‘precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.’ (Ps. 115:15)

So today I remember the woman who gave me my husband. I celebrate the man I married almost 30 years ago. I appreciate the children we have together. It’s a celebration of God’s goodness. Milestones mark our memories.

A Deserted Place

Had a great day—one of the most relaxing days I’ve had in a long time. We went to camp. We walked through the woods. We sat in front of the cabin. We built a fire and watched it burn. We chatted with friends. We walked up to the pond. It was quiet. There were no phones or emergencies. I think that I need to regularly find a place apart—the one that Jesus talked about to his disciples.

And He said to them, You yourselves come apart into a deserted place, and rest a little. For those coming and those going were many, and they did not even have opportunity to eat. Mark 6:31

Acceptance

Dwayne’s dad is in the hospital. His sister and her husband were planning to come for Easter weekend. His brother and his wife got the time off at the last minute so they came. His aunt also came so we had a house full for Easter dinner. We had a great time.

I’ve attempted to quiet my life. I’ve tried to weed through the unnecessary but as I get rid of one thing, something else pops up that can’t be ignored. Instead of trying to shape my life, I’m going to lean on God and His care.

In Isaiah, God says: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk in the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame kindle on you.

I’m going to take him at His word. Anyone want to join me in this experiment?

Quiet Rest

Although I wandered through a whirlwind last week, I want to tell you that it was a good week. I kept busy but stayed cool. I found rest in the eye of the storm.

Now I’m headed for a week of rest. I have one commitment this week. When I’m not there, I’m staying home. Getting rest sometimes requires time so that it’s possible. I’m setting aside this week and maybe even next week. Easter will be low-key. Everyone will bring something and it will be simple. I’m also hoping to spend quiet time—just plain old quiet—no radio/TV/conversation/music. I’ve been stimulated enough. Now I need to retreat.

Our culture doesn’t foster rest and quiet. I find myself much better prepared for going out if I’ve made time for quiet and prayer. Jesus made a habit of withdrawing to pray—and he went alone. Matthew tells us that “having dismissed the crowds, He went up into the mountain alone to pray. And evening coming on, He was there alone.” If Jesus needed to do this, then so do I.

The Eye of the Storm

This is a very busy week. I have Oklahoma rehearsals Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and assemblies on Wednesday. I have solo competition (NYSSMA in NY) on Saturday morning as well as 2 rehearsals during the week. There are also minor things—spending time with Dwayne, keeping the house, maybe even checking in with my kids—that need to be tended to as well. I also need to take care of myself. I need to ice my elbow and shoulder.

While life swirls around me this week, I want to stay in the eye of the storm where it’s quiet and peaceful. I plan to find myself in the palm of God’s hand and not allow what’s going on externally to move me into frazzledness. Jesus said, Come to Me, all those laboring and being burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, because I am meek and lowly in heart, "and you will find rest to your souls." For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. (Matt. 11:30)

If I accept His yoke, the burden is light because He carries it. He gives me rest for my soul. See you next week when I’ll tell you how I did—whether I let Jesus carry me through the week or not.

A Child Again

I find myself longing to be a child again. I wish I were 5 and had no responsibility. Someone else would take care of me (my parents perhaps). I wouldn’t have to oversee any housekeeping (that would be the absolute best!). There would be no parenting to do and I could be a child. I would have lost experiences that have formed me. I would have missed the joy of being married to my best friend. I wouldn’t be a mom. Growing up is part of life.

As I grow older and my concerns change, I am intensely aware that God is bigger than I ever imagined. I’m learning that I’m still His child. On days when I want to revert to childhood because my cares are piling up, I read this passage from Matthew 6.

For your heavenly Father knows that you have need of all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Then do not be anxious for tomorrow. For the morrow will be anxious of itself. Sufficient to each day is its own trouble.

If I climb up into God’s lap and press into his chest, He handles everything else. I need to remember to climb into his lap.

Thirsty?

Are you thirsty? I am. Isaiah told every one of us who was thirsty to go to the water. Do you ever head to the desert when you should be looking for springs? I do. I find myself wrapped up in old habits and ways of doing things. I should be heading toward Jesus, the source of living water. He is infinitely creative and can teach me how to follow him and find water. Even though I know that, I find myself walking backward—heading to the desert looking for water. I can be foolish even though I have access to the Wisdom of the Ages. Lord, let me accept your wisdom. Let me drink from Your living water.

Sleep

Who needed to lose an hour of sleep this week?

Sunday night found us in the ER while Dwayne was having a gall bladder attack. The ambulance brought Dwayne’s dad in as we were leaving. When we woke up Monday morning, there was a message that our friend Gordy Maikranz had passed away Sunday night. We had illness and grief in full portion.

Dwayne struggled Sunday night, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I knew God was holding us as I watched him deal with his pain. I saw Gordy’s widow Chrissy react with dignity and grace. From her own lips: “God is good.” How do we know that God sees us and cares for us? Knowing comes from our relationship with Him.

Although we need rest, God does not.

Psalm 121 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Patience

Today is Sunday. I struggled to get back into my routine. I also caught a bad cold. This week needs a sharper focus. I want to write this week as well as spend time cross-stitching. I also need to clean my desk off. I have been putting this task off for more than 6 months. I know it’s necessary. Sometimes the simplest things can free up the logjam. These are my goals.

Patience seems to be the word of the week. I need patience as I learn the discipline of writing. I need patience as I continue to learn to eat properly and exercise well. I need patience as I wait for God. I need to be patient with myself. I don’t know if I have the calm endurance that comes from the certain knowledge that God is in control. It’s time to work with God in the area of patience. He is infinitely patient with me and I must take my cues from Him.

And those in the good ground, these are the ones who in a right and good heart, hearing the Word, they hold it and bear fruit in patience. Luke 8:15

This is my prayer—that I will hear the Word, hold it and bear fruit patiently.

Practice Peace

The subject of peace reappears this week. Although I understand peace intellectually, it often escapes me in practice. God’s peace sustains no matter what. Why do I allow each thing that comes into my life disturb me? What is it about the slightest difficulty that causes me to lose my serenity?

Moses told Joshua, "The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

If I can remember that the Lord goes ahead, there is no need to fear or allow myself to be robbed of peace. I fail but God does not. If I believe that He never forsakes me, there is no reason to lose peace. I need to practice the discipline of peace.

Maintaining joy

I'm looking forward to going away this week. We attend a conference every February in Elkton, Maryland. It's always a great time. The best part of the week is spending time with friends we don't see often.

Sometimes, being away from daily routine helps me find perspective. Sometimes, I even locate my joy. Dwayne preached a great sermon this morning on joy. He contrasted joy with happiness. Happiness is dependent on circumstances. It's external and moves inward. (I'm happy because everything is going my way.) Joy, on the other hand, comes from the presence of the Holy Spirit and works its way outwards. It's not dependent on circumstance. Joy can be experienced during difficult situations. Dwayne was born joyful. It's his nature but he continues to grow in that grace. I'll never catch up but it's important for me to look for and experience God’s joy. Nehemiah said this: for this day is holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

If joy is my strength, then I need to defend it.

Winter

Winter is my nemesis. I’m not fond of cold weather and I detest dreary gray days that seem to pile up December through February. I am solar powered. When the sun is out, I run errands so I can soak in the sunshine. This winter has been worse than most. Haven’t felt like myself lately. Even Dwayne thinks I’ve been more irritable than usual all winter. (He’s not inclined to mention those things.) His comment gave me the key. First, it’s winter. There is not enough light. Second, a change in my medication has been counterproductive. Third, I’ve neglected my spiritual disciplines as well—reading my Bible, studying, prayer and quiet time (no TV/radio/music).

It feels good to identify the problem. Now I can find a solution. Exercise improves my mood. Getting outside for a few minutes also lightens my disposition. Writing always helps. Keeping in touch with my friends is important. I isolate myself when I’m blah. Most importantly, I need to remember that my spiritual life is a relationship, not something that I pick up and put down like a magazine. It’s my lifeline. It’s time to check the connections.

In John 15, Jesus says: Remain in Me, and I in you. As the branch is not able to bear fruit of itself, unless it remain in the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me. I am the Vine; you are the branches. The one abiding in Me, and I in him, this one bears much fruit, because apart from Me you are not able to execute, nothing.

Grace and life

February is here already. I had a productive January. I played for 2 college auditions as well as ongoing rehearsals for the musical. I am taking a class called Organized by Design, taught by Cyndy Saltzmann. It is very helpful. I’m learning to work with my personality instead of against it. I’m also learning how to set goals with my strengths/weaknesses in mind. Thanks, Cyndy!

The kids are well. Joshua is working and loving it. Aaron is heading out to drill this week from February 3rd -8th. Becky loves her new job. Dwayne is busy with church as we purchase a piece of property and with work at school.

I need to remember that turning to God when things are going well is as important as when life is difficult. Comfort makes me lazy. I want my heart to always yearn for God, no matter my circumstances. Even if I don’t acknowledge it, my very being depends on God. Every breath, every thought, every prayer and every moment of my life depends on his grace. I want to be aware of the connection between my whole life and God’s love and grace.

But to each one of us was given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ. Eph. 4:7

Priorities

January is almost over. My schedule is picking up. I detest this time of year. Short dreary days don’t energize my solar-powered battery. I have commitments and don’t always feel like doing them—even those I enjoy. I decided not to worry about how I feel and do my best to get things done. This is the first year I’ve tried it. I stopped fighting with myself. I’m also working on developing priorities. I decide what’s important and don’t let minor things on my list bother me if they aren’t finished. My days are manageable when I stick to it but tussle with it. I guess it has to do with seeking God first. Matthew 6:33 tells us this: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

My work? To seek and keep God at the center of my days. Sometimes, I get caught up in bits and pieces and things that crop up. I forget that God is in charge. What happens surprises me. Life turns me away from communication with God. I forget to listen to Him. I forget to talk to Him. The source of my life becomes an afterthought. I pray that God’s spirit will remind me of His priorities and order my own.

All is well

Jesus said, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, because I am meek and lowly in heart, "and you will find rest to your souls." For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29, 30)

This was a week that started with concern about what was going to happen to Harold. Dwayne's Dad came through surgery very well. He was safely at the nursing home Tuesday evening with some pain medication and the realization that he was going to experience pain from surgery. It was a long day. One of the clearances didn’t make it to the hospital with his paper work so surgery was briefly delayed. We dropped him off, went and grabbed a bite to eat and got home around 9 pm.

I had a bug for a few days during the week that laid me low. It was cold, snowy and icy out so staying home was fine with me. Dwayne, on the other hand, had to drive bus in the blowing snow.

I spent the afternoon with all three of my kids on Friday. We ran errands and then ate lunch together at IHOP. We got to chat and be silly. It was a great afternoon. Becky and I grocery shopped yesterday afternoon. Joshua did not make it to church today because of the snow. Aaron had to drive to Albany in his new (to him) Blazer yesterday to fill out paperwork. All is well in the Durand family. We have plenty to keep us busy and we're healthy. I’m grateful for the restful week we’ve had.

Peace for the New Year

Be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and by petition with thanksgivings, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. For the rest, brothers, whatever is true, whatever honorable, whatever is right, whatever pure, whatever lovely, whatever of good report, if of any virtue, and if of any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:6-8)

I want the peace of God to guard my heart and mind which means I must learn to think and pray with gratitude. This is the first full week of the New Year. I can't believe it arrived so soon. Tomorrow will find us in the hospital waiting room while Dwayne's dad has minor surgery. This week, I'm grateful that Harold is still with us so that we can spend time with him and help take care of him. I'm even more grateful that Dwayne and I still love spending time together as much as we always have.